Diagnosed. And not diagnosed. Simultaneously. Positive and
negative test result at the same time. We are Schrödinger’s cat. Over and over
again we have been in the same position, and I think it may actually be getting
harder, or at least more perverse.
It the classic physics thought experiment, the cat in the
box is both alive and dead at the same time until it is observed. I’ll let you
Google the idea. I’m not a physicist and don’t think I can do it justice (truth
be told, I ran away to Christmas break 24 hours before my 1st term
physics exam at university when I found out I could take 2 stats courses
instead). But the idea of this state of unobserved being and not being has
stuck with me. Who knew it would be so relevant to our life.
The past 13 years have brought about so. many. tests. And
yielded so few answers. And with every one, after every one we end up
Schrödinger’s cat – in this state of being and not being. At the same time, in
my mind the result is both positive and negative (or inconclusive)
simultaneously until the results are observed. Or at least observed by the
doctor and then by us in the blessed follow up appointment, whenever that may
be.
The waiting. Oh the waiting. The state of flux during the
waiting. It’s been thirteen years of testing and waiting and being and not being.
Thinking every time that this might be the answer.
I’m no fool. The hope is squashed down into a tiny place and
not allowed to come out to play any more. I pretend a state of calm, of waiting
peacefully with no expectation. Am I fooling anyone?
Really it’s a state of diagnosis and non diagnosis
simultaneously. It’s the best I can do; both states existing, side-by-side,
vying for space in Schrödingers waiting room. Waiting for an answer.
